Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God." -Psalms 46

During the summer, a man spoke in our Sacrament meeting about putting away distractions (cell phone, internet, radio, TV, Facebook, etc) and making the effort to just "be still." At the time, this idea rang true...true enough that I still remember it all these months later.

How often in life do we take time to be still? There have been quite a few studies showing that the use of digital everything has shortened our attention spans and led to the need/desire for instant gratification. This is obvious when you look around at a restaurant or gathering and see how many people are looking at their cell phones instead of the people they are with. It is also obvious when your child asks to play electronics rather than get out and enjoy the beautiful day.

As I thought about this concept, I felt a need to make a shift within my mind and heart about technology use. I found myself wanting to look at my cell phone during our family dinner time or wanting to check my email rather than listen to my children tell me all about the book they are reading. I knew that this was wrong and yet, technology is an addiction...and I will admit that I love technology. I've loved it since discovering the computer games "Oregon Trail" and "Civilization" in the junior high computer labs. I used to wake up early when we lived in Tokyo so I could hit the computer lab before school started. Enter high school in Houston where I worked with computers constantly in journalism and soon fell in love with AOL instant messaging on our dial-up connection at home. In college, I minored in computers and was a T.A. for multiple computer classes, further fueling my love for technology. When Rob worked from home for IBM, we had multiple computers in our basement and I would sit at our computer for hours while he was working, just to be near him (and to be near the computer :). Fast-forward to different jobs and volunteer opportunities where I was asked to design flyers, newsletters, blogs, websites, and yearbooks. Fast forward again to motherhood, where Facebook and blog posts allowed me to feel more connected with those in my same situation. Not only that, but the existence of smart phones that offered unlimited contact with faraway family and good friends. TV has never been an issue for me, but give me a computer and cell phone any day.

I craved simplicity, yet wasn't willing to change...maybe "willing" is the wrong word. I'd find myself struggling when I'd go for a walk by myself because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I had this desire to have each moment filled with conversation, communication, and distraction.

Enter pregnancy with baby #4.

Never in my life have I had more quiet hours in the day. Lots of hours.

While I do spend quite a bit of time on the computer (still not into TV, although sometimes I do watch one show a day), the rush of emails to respond to and responsibilities to fulfill is basically gone. I tend to spend my computer time indexing or catching up on digital photobooks. I look less at my cell phone and more at my children. My favorite hour of every day is when my kids get home from school and I can simply listen (and trust me, I have to make them take turns talking because there is so much listening to be done!). My other favorite activity (2 favorites are allowed when the days are long) is talking with Rob at the end of the day. I never tire of our conversations or of the music he's found that he wants to show me (if you come over, he'd be happy to show you a few songs, too). I love our connection and even though this pregnancy has been tough for both of us, he is a constant source of strength, patience, commitment, and love.

I recently made a goal to read the Book of Mormon in the 6 weeks before our baby is born. It has been one week and I am 95 pages in. Although sometimes it feels like a lot to read in one given day, I find that I look forward to that quiet time. I look forward to the commitment to "be still" and know that He is God. The more I read, the more I am drawn to the scriptures, to prayer, and to feeling the Spirit. In short, I am learning to be still.

Last weekend we were blessed to be able to attend my niece's baptism. I felt the Spirit so strongly at this baptism. It made me happy. Not just a giggle-at-the-dinner-table happy (although that's a great happy), but a deep-rooted joy. I can't help but think I was able to feel the Spirit so strongly because I have been practicing being still.

I can no longer attend our Sacrament meeting at church. Yesterday, the young men/priests from our ward brought me the Sacrament. At first, I was a little hesitant because it is embarrassing to be in the spotlight and have the bread and water blessed just for you. But as I ate the bread and drank the water, I felt so grateful. I felt grateful to be a child of God, grateful to know that I matter as an individual, both to God and to those around me. I felt grateful for these young men who were willing to spend part of their Sunday afternoon to bring me the Sacrament and who were worthy to do so. I felt grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and for this private opportunity to reflect and repent. I felt closer to God and a peace radiated through me that I desperately needed yesterday. I was "still" inside.

Another quiet moment happened as I was reading the scriptures. My kids know all about my goal to finish the Book of Mormon (hello, Accountability). Yesterday, Jacob came to sit by me and asked if we could read out loud together. As we took turns reading the Isaiah chapters of 2 Nephi, I felt so happy and calm. After two chapters, Jacob got a little squirmy (understanding Isaiah is difficult for an adult, let alone a 6-yr-old)...I told him he didn't have to keep reading with me. Instead of leaving my side, he ran and got his own copy of the Book of Mormon and turned to 1 Nephi chapter 15 (he's reading it on his own) and silently read beside me. Would we have shared these quiet moments if I hadn't been forced to slow down and be still?

For me, the best thing I am learning through spending so much time on my own is that I can literally sit still and let my mind relax. I can rock in the rocker with the dog curled up beside me and close my eyes and be still.

Is there really a time in our lives when we don't need to "know God" more than we do?

"Be still, and know that I am God."